 | | Never squat with yer spurs on
there's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works
don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think
if you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around
never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco
it don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep
never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut
good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment
always drink upstream from the herd
if you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there
lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in
finally, never miss a good chance to shut up
|
|
| | Two cowboys come upon an indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground
one of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "you see that indian?"
"yeah," says the other cowboy
"look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground
he can hear things for miles in any direction
"
just then the indian looks up
"covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away
have two horses, one brown, one white
man, woman, child, household effects in wagon
"
"incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend
"this indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon
amazing!"
the indian looks up and says, "ran over me about a half hour ago
" |
|
| | The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy
the insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions
"ever have an accident?"
"nope, nary a one
"
"none? you've never had any accidents
"
"nope
ain't never had one
never
"
"well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once
wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"heck, no
that dang varmint bit me on purpose
" |
|
| | Ik c raja ik c rani dowe margai khatam kahani:lol: |
|
| | teri dosti da mull asi la nai sakday,
tu mangay jaan tay kar inkaar nai sakday
maneya k zindgi lendi imtehan baray
par tu hovay naal tay assi haar nai sakday |
|
| | Santa: my dad was an extremely brave man
he once entered a lion's cage
banta: he probably got a lot of applause ven he got out
santa: i didn't say he got out
©
jeeto: if i die what'll you do?
santa: i may also die
jeeto: why?
santa: some time too much of happiness can also kill a man
©
santa dials a number
a girl receives the call
santa: who r u? girl: seeta here
santa: maine to chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to ayodhya mil gaya
©
santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day
banta asked: what are you doing?
santa: drying sweat
©
jeeto: u tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other
santa: u tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth
©
santa: "when i woke up this morning, i felt like going out and getting a job
"
banta: "did you?"
santa: "no
i stayed in bed until the feeling passed
" |
|
| | A man wants to buy a cow and is shopping around at a roadside animal auction (we've seen these in rural india)
he goes up to each owner and ask two questions
shopper: "kitna dudh dete hai"? (how much milk)
1st owner: "bees kilo" (twenty litres a day)
shopper: "mol kya hai"? (what's the price)
1st owner: "do hazar rupaya" (rs 2000/-)
the shopper moves on to the next cow
shopper: "kitna dudh dete hai"?
2nd owner: "tees kilo" (thirty litres a day)
shopper: "mol kya hai"?
2nd owner: "chaar hazar rupaya" (rs 4000/-)
the shopper moves on to the next cow
shopper: "kitna dudh dete hai"?
3rd owner: "chalees kilo" (forty litres a day)
shopper: "mol kya hai"?
3rd owner: "panch hazar rupaya" (rs 5000/-)
the next cow is a very young looking animal, and the center of our joke
shopper: "kitna dudh dete hai"?
4th owner: "yeh dudh nahin dete" (she gives no milk)
shopper: "mol kya hai"?
4th owner: "pacchas hazar rupaya" (rs 50,000/-)
shopper: "hain! dudh nahin dete aur mol itna jyada"?!
(she gives no milk and yet you demand such a high price)
4th owner: "bhai sahib
character ka bhi koi mol hota hai"
(she has a good character
and that is priceless) |
|
| | A visiting foreign dignitary was being seen off at the airport by the president (zail singh)and prime minister (indira gandhi)
zail singh is having fun
seeing all these planes take off and land
a 747 takes off
"boeing boeing boeing boeing" says gianiji
indira gives him a dirty look
another jumbo is landing
"boeing boeing boeing boeing" says zail singh
i'm going to snub him if he does it again thinks indira
another 747 comes in to land
indira gandhi is watching zail singh who points skywards and says excitedly
"boeing boeing boeing boeing
"
"be silent!" shouts indira
"oeing oeing oeing oeing " says the obedient zail singh |
|
| | (this was before zail singh became the president of india)
indira gandhi wanted a sardar president because of the punjab crisis
zail singh and buta singh are the finalists! they are waiting outside indira's office for the final interview
buta singh is called in first
he nervously adjusts his kurta
indira gandhi draws a big bold m on the black board, and asks buta:
"what is this"?
"m for mother" is buta's reply
indira wants to keep the test real simple, she thanks buta and asks him to send zail singh in
zail singh is all over buta as he comes out
"kee pucchiya
kee pucchiya"? (what did she ask you)
buta tells him
zail singh memorizes the answer (m for mother)
indira catches zail unawares with a big bold w on the board
what is this? she demands
zail singh cant make head or tail of the letter on the board
he mutters to himself in punjabi
"lagdi taa bute de maa hai, par lattan taan nu kyon chakkiyan hain"?
(looks like buta's mother, but why does she have her legs in the air)
|
|
| | An indian politician went to the us to visit his counterpart
when the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings
he asked "how can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"
the sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window
"can you see the river?"
"yes"
"can you see the bridge over it?"
"of course", said the minister
"10 percent", said the senator smugly
some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit
the indian minister lavished all hospitality on him
when they came to his house,the american was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc
"how can you possibly afford this, on a salary in indian rupees", he asked
the minister called him to the window
"see the river over there?"
"sure", cried the senator
"can you see the bridge over it?"
the senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said
"no, i don't see any bridge
"
"100 percent", said the minister !!
|
|
| | A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "hey, wanna hear a jatt joke?"
the man says back to the blind man, "look buddy, i'm jatt
the man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is jatt
the bouncer is jatt
the man sitting over to your left is also a jatt
still wanna tell that jatt joke?"
the blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "nah, i wouldn't want to have to explain it five times
" |
|
| | There was this sardarjee from phagwara who somehow got hooked to desi tharra like nobody's business
he would beg, borrow, steal to get his daily bottle come what may
but then not all days are the same
on one such rainy day he could not lay his hands on any money and stumbled into a temple where stood one grand moorti of ganeshji
he latched on to the "sooond" of ganapati bappa and began his chant for money
the poor pujari watched in dismay as this hulk of a serdie hanging on to the holy trunk asking for money
as any physical intervention was impossible, the meek poojaari decided to get rid of the menace by throwing a twenty buck note on the floor
serdie assumed that it is ganeshji who has acceded to his request & jumped with joy and ran away to the nearest theka with the money
he was at the temple the next day again and the same story was repeated with the pujaari quietly dropping a twenty rupee note on the floor to peacefully get rid of the serdie menace
this went on for a week and the pujari didn't know what to do
he finally thought of a trick and removed the big ganeshji pratima next day and replaced it with a miniature moorti
the logic was the serdie will not be to latch on the "sooond" because of its small size and hence can't be a nuisance
next morning serdie landed at the temple promptly but was shocked to see the big moorti missing
he finally noticed the small moorti and smiled, sat down quietly in front of miniature ganeshjee and asked: "kaka, papa kithey ne ?" |
|
| | A jatt is travelling in a dtc bus in delhi
it's a busy day and our jatt is roughing it out, standing up in the aisle and all
in his
right hand is his briefcase (which appears to contain some valuables), with his left he is grabbing on to the railing for dear life
the conductor approaches him for a ticket
the jatt who doesn't have a free hand to pull out his wallet gives the conductor a helpless look
the conductor reaches out for the jatt's briefcase in an effort to help him out
"nahin! tum upar pakdo" says the jatt clutching onto his briefcase |
|
| | A jatt wanted rs
10,000 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened
then he decided to write a letter to the lord requesting the rs 10,000
when the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the lord, india, they decided to send it to prime minister
the prime minister was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the jatt a rs 500 bill
prime minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a jatt
the jatt was delighted with the rs 500 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the lord, which read:
dear lord,
thank you very much for sending me the money
however, inoticed that for some reason you had to send it through new delhi and, as usual, those jerks deducted rs
9500
|
|
| | Egotistical harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball
"i was the james bond type of player," he told his friends
"i had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition
"
"batted
007," his wife added
|
|
| | Nurse: sardarji mubarak ho aap papa ban gaye!!
sardar: meri wife ko mat bolna main usse surprise dunga!! |
|
| | Ik din kuch punjabi gabroo kothe te chad ke galee di andi-jandi kudia nu ched de paye san
jadoo ik garm mijaj di kudi de naal unnahe ne a harkat kiti te oh gusse vich bole "chappal la ke utey aawa"?
eha sune ke ik gabroo bolya "koei gal nahi chappal payee-payee ajaao
utey keda paath ho raya hai"
|
|
| | Sardarji calls air india
"how long does it take to fly to amritsar?" "just a sec", says the rep
"thank you
" says the sardarji and hangs up
|
|
| | A jatt stormed up to the front desk of the library of panjab university at ludhiana and said, "i have a complaint!"
"yes, sir?"
"i borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"what was wrong with it?"
"it had way too many characters and there was no story whatsoever!"
the librarian nodded and said, "ahh
so you must be the person who took our phone book
" |
|
| | Sardarji proposes to a woman
she says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots
he sets off to
africa and disappears
finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one
he walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st
and *again* barefeet!" |
|
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