 | | Why don't men often show their true feelings? because they don't have any
1 |
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| | Q: what do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? a: run like hell
she's got a hand grenade in her mouth ________________________________________ |
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| | What's the quietest place in the world? the complaint department at the parachute packing plant ________________________________________ god made man and then rested
god made women and then no one rested |
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| | News: 3 chimps escaped from the zoo
1 was caught watching tv
another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message |
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| | My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and i love myself too
________________________________________ always remember you're unique, just like everyone else |
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| | First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering
________________________________________ born free
taxed to death |
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| | want to suck you
lick you
wanna move my tongue all over you
wanna feel you in my mouth
yep, tat's how u
eat an ice cream |
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| | Out of my mind
back in five minutes |
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| | Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac |
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| | Why were males created before females? cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy
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| | This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
now read without the word dog
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| | Crime doesn't pay
does that mean my job is a crime |
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| | Cnn news
bush orders 15,000 fbi trained dogs to track down osama
fbi awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this |
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| | A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in
%u201cmother, where do babies come from?%u201d
the mother thinks for a few seconds and says, %u201cwell dear, mommy and daddy fall in love and get married
one night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex
%u201d
the daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, %u201cthat means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy%u2019s vagina
that%u2019s how you get a baby, honey
%u201d the child seems to comprehend
%u201coh, i see, but the other night when i came into your room you had daddy%u2019s penis in your mouth
what do you get when you do that?%u201d
%u201cjewelry, my dear
jewelry
%u201d |
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| | Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter
the man at the counter asked the older boy, "son, how old are you?"
"eight," the boy replied
the man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
the boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me
they're for him
he's my brother
he's four
we saw on tv that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike
right now, he can't do either one
" |
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| | A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall
a little boy was lost at a large shopping mall
he approached a uniformed policeman and said, "i've lost my dad!"
the cop asked, "what's he like?"
the little boy replied, "beer and women with big boobs
" |
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| | little girl asked her mother, "how did the human race come about?"
the mother answered, "god made adam and eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made
"
a few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question
the father answered, "many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them
"
the confused girl returns to her mother and says, "mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by god , and papa says we developed from monkeys?"
the mother answers, "well, dear, it is very simple
i told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side
" |
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| | 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day
while playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
grandma replied, "honey, my tv is my boyfriend
i can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long
the tv evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good
the comedies make me laugh
i'm so happy with my tv as my boyfriend
" grandma turned on the tv and the picture was horrible
she started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus
frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the tv hoping to fix the problem
the little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door
when he opened the door, there stood grandma's minister
the minister said, "hello son is your grandma home?"
the little boy replied, "yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend
" |
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| | Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room
the first kid leans over and asks, "what are you in here for?"
the second kid says, "i'm in here to get my tonsils out and i'm a little nervous
"
the first kid says, "you've got nothing to worry about
i had that done when i was four
they put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jell-o and ice cream
it's a breeze!"
the second kid then asks, "what are you here for?"
the first kid says, "a circumcision
"
and the second kid says, "whoa! i had that done when i was born
i couldn't walk for a year!" |
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| | Little johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little johnny was a big gambler
she said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that
after little johnny%u2019s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went
she said, %u201ci think i broke his gambling%u201d
the father asked how and she said, %u201che bet me $5
00 that i had a mole on my butt, so i pulled down my pants and won his money
%u201d
%u201cdamn!%u201d said the father
%u201cwhat%u2019s wrong?%u201d, the teacher asked
little johnny%u2019s father said, %u201cthis morning he bet me $100
00 he would see his teacher%u2019s butt before the day was over!%u201d |
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